Tantrums? Time outs....yes or no?

Kids can act out and it makes us crazy. They throw things, have tantrums, argue with us and the list goes on.....

BUT have you ever STOPED and thought about WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO TELL US by acting this way?

Being the civil adults that we are, we try to use words like “Be nice to your friend.” and “We don’t throw toys.” But … they just don’t listen! So we move on from using our words to using our force. Have you ever think, “maybe I am not using the right words”?

The thinking is that, if the punishment is painful enough, we won’t have to endure that disruptive behavior ever again. That’ll teach them! WRONG! It will not teach them anything, but only to be afraid and to hide their emotions and they will not know how to understand and how to deal with their emotions.

Yes or No to Time-outs. .... some say ...... One minute per year of child’s age. Forced apology. When the steps are followed to the T, time-outs appear to be completely successful. Child says “I’m sorry” and the disruptive behavior stops. WRONG! Some children do not feel sorry because they are too young to trully understand the meaning of "sorry" and feel sorry, they say it because it is expected from them.

So what’s the problem? Children, use their actions to express their emotions. They throw tantrums when they are just so frustrated they don’t know what to do. They hit their little sister when they are feeling jealous and angry. Every disruptive behavior is a result of strong emotion.

When children are punished for their behavior, the underlying emotion remains unaddressed. When we prevent the emotions from being expressed with a certain behavior, children have two options.

1) They learn to stifle their emotions. 


2) They express their emotions through other disruptive behaviors.

Time-outs do not provide kids with safe and effective ways of expressing their strong emotions. Furthermore, they make children feel shame for having the emotions to begin with. Children read punishments as a withdrawal of love. When parental love is withheld, children feel as if there is something wrong with them. Shame and a sense of conditional love are direct consequences of time-outs and other punishments.

So, what to do when children are “acting out”? Instead of trying to stop the behavior, parents are better off acknowledging and validating it.

“It looks like you are feeling angry.”

By focusing on your child’s feelings, rather than his behaviors, you validate his emotions and are able to provide him with safe ways of expressing himself.

Most importantly, you are also showing him that, even when he is angry, your love for him is unconditional and you are here to listen and understand his feelings and to show him how to express his feelings in different ways.